Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
—H. G. Wells (1866–1946) English Novelist, Historian, Social Thinker
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
—Zig Ziglar (1926–2012) American Author
Due to budgetary restraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize if this inconveniences you in any way.
—Anonymous
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
—Willie Nelson (b.1933) American Country Singer, Songwriter
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
—Anonymous
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
—Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882–1945) American Head of State, Lawyer
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, its just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
—Jean Kerr (1922–2003) Irish-American Author, Playwright
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
—Ambrose Bierce (1842–1913) American Short-story Writer, Journalist
Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
—Tom Wilson (1931–2011) American Cartoonist
Things ain’t what they used to be and probably never was.
—Will Rogers (1879–1935) American Actor, Rancher, Humorist
Two goats are eating cans of film on the back lots of MGM Studios. One goat turns to the other and says, “This film is good.” To which the other goat responds, “Not as good as the movie.”
—Unknown
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
—Chinese Proverb
The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea.
—Mortimer J. Adler (1902–2001) American Philosopher, Educator
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright (b.1955) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
—Hesiod (f.700 BCE) Greek Poet
Whether it is fun to go to bed with a good book depends a great deal on who’s reading it.
—Kenneth Patchen (1911–1972) American Poet, Novelist
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
—Adlai Stevenson (1900–65) American Diplomat, Politician, Orator
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
—Sandra Boynton (b.1953) American Humorist
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
It’s true that everything that could be said has been said.
It’s also true that no one was listening.
Therefore, I’ll say again…
—Indian Proverb
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
—Unknown
Your talk was simply superfluous. It should be published posthumously. And the sooner the better.
—Anonymous
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
Before the devil knows you’re dead.
—Irish Blessing
Denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.
—Logan Pearsall Smith (1865–1946) American-British Essayist, Bibliophile
Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
—William Jennings Bryan (1860–1925) American Orator, Politician, Secretary of State
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
—Franklin P. Jones
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