Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
—Ambrose Bierce (1842–1913) American Short-story Writer, Journalist
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
—Chinese Proverb
Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
—Tom Wilson (1931–2011) American Cartoonist
Things ain’t what they used to be and probably never was.
—Will Rogers (1879–1935) American Actor, Rancher, Humorist
Due to budgetary restraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize if this inconveniences you in any way.
—Anonymous
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.
—Anonymous
Denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.
—Logan Pearsall Smith (1865–1946) American-British Essayist, Bibliophile
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII—and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure.
—Douglas Adams (1952–2001) English Novelist, Scriptwriter
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, its just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
—Jean Kerr (1922–2003) Irish-American Author, Playwright
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.
—A. A. Milne (1882–1956) British Humorist, Playwright, Children’s Writer
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
—Anonymous
It’s true that everything that could be said has been said.
It’s also true that no one was listening.
Therefore, I’ll say again…
—Indian Proverb
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
—George Will (b.1941) American Columnist, Journalist, Writer
A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
—Adlai Stevenson (1900–65) American Diplomat, Politician, Orator
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea.
—Mortimer J. Adler (1902–2001) American Philosopher, Educator
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
—H. G. Wells (1866–1946) English Novelist, Historian, Social Thinker
We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.
—Anonymous
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
—Anonymous
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
—Franklin P. Jones
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
—Unknown
Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
—William Jennings Bryan (1860–1925) American Political leader, Diplomat, Politician
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
—Willie Nelson (b.1933) American Country Singer, Songwriter
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
—Hesiod (f.700 BCE) Greek Poet
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
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