Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Anyone who lies golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
When there are starving people in the world, it seems wrong that so many of us Americans eat as much for entertainment as for nourishment.
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort—the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing—the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
Topics: Happiness, One Step at a Time
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Topics: Funny quotes
In a conversation, remember that you’re more interested in what you’re saying than anyone else is.
I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people’s idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
The last birthday that’s any good is 23.
Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren’t new at all.
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Charles Farrar Browne (Artemus Ward) American Humorist
- Sam Levenson American Humorist
- Mark Twain American Humorist
- Don Herold American Humorist
- Don Marquis American Humorist, Journalist
- Bill Bryson American Humorist
- Garrison Keillor American Broadcaster, Writer
- Cullen Hightower American Humorist
- Thomas Masson American Journalist
- Robert Quillen American Journalist