For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Dying, Death
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Marriage
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Cities, City Life
Married men live longer than single men. But marrierd men are a lot more willing to die.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Marriage
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Life and Living
Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Peace
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
—Johnny Carson
Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: “Are you ready?”
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Opportunity
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
—Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Health, Death
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
—Johnny Carson
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Happiness
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Eating
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
—Johnny Carson
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
—Johnny Carson
Topics: Money
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