William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, (1880–1946) was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children.
Source: Wikipedia (via CC-BY-SA license) • READ: Works by W. C. Fields
Start every day with a smile, and get it over with.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Smiles, Smile
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Value
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
It was a woman that drove me to drink, but unfortunately I never had the chance to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Elections, Voting
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Confidence
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Health
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Morality
Any man who hates children can’t be all bad.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Children
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Acting, Actors
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
—W. C. Fields
If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
—W. C. Fields
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Cities, City Life
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Gambling
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Funny quotes, Belief
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Hate, Prejudice
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Women
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
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