In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Politics
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Confidence
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Intelligence, The Military
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Defects, Envy
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Aging, Age
I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Organization
It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Money
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Divorce
I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Insults
Humor is reason gone mad.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Humor
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Eyes
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Television, Funny quotes, Just for Fun, Books
No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Birth
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: The Poor, Poverty
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Divorce
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Trouble, Politics
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Food
My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Children
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Husbands
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Peculiarity, Politicians, Oddity, Politics
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Quotations
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Death, Dying
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Faces, Face
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Reading, Books
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Jokes, Humor
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Time
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Aging, Age
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- Danny Kaye American Actor, Comedian
- Whoopi Goldberg American Actress
- Phyllis Diller American Actor
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- Bette Midler American Actress, Singer
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Mel Brooks American Film Actor
- Robin Williams American Actor, Comedian
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