I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Marriage, Weddings
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Reality
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Art
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Divorce
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Time
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Britain
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Dying, Death
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Face, Faces
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Trouble, Politics
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Quotations
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Wives, Marriage
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Divorce
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Age, Aging
No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Time, Time Management
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Birth
It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Money
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Politics
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Eyes
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Fun
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books, Reading
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Aging, Age
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Writers, Writing, Authors & Writing
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books, Dogs
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Cooking
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Intelligence, The Military
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Sex
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Oddity, Peculiarity, Politicians, Politics
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Wife
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Fred Astaire American Dancer, Singer
- W. C. Fields American Actor
- Danny Kaye American Actor
- Whoopi Goldberg American Comedian
- Phyllis Diller American Actor
- Steven Wright American Comedian
- Bette Midler American Actress, Singer
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Mel Brooks American Film Actor
- Robin Williams American Actor
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