We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Funny quotes
Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
—Lily Tomlin
No matter how cynical we become, it’s never enough to keep up.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Cynicism
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Love
There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Fashion
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But, then, we elected them.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Government
Why is it when we talk to God, we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Prayer
Why is it that when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?
—Lily Tomlin
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
—Lily Tomlin
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Wishes
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
—Lily Tomlin
The best mind-altering drug is truth.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Truth
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Relaxation, Stress, Rest
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Worry
We are all in this together, by ourselves.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Unity
If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.
—Lily Tomlin
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
—Lily Tomlin
If truth is beauty, then how come no one has their hair done in a library?
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Truth
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Body, Facts, Just for Fun, Goals
If I had known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Success is not everything
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Success, Success & Failure, Worry
Reality is the crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Drugs, Business, Entrepreneurs, Life and Living
We’re all in this alone.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Loneliness
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Language
We’re all in this together … alone.
—Lily Tomlin
Topics: Confidence, Self-reliance
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