If government were a product, selling it would be illegal
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: One liners, Government
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Bureaucracy
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Reading, Books
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government
There are no kinder or better people in the world than those who listen to you when you’re 18.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Motherhood
The government is huge, stupid, greedy and makes nosy, officious and dangerous intrusions into the smallest corners of life—this much we can stand. But the real problem is that government is boring. We could cure or mitigate the other ills Washington visits on us if we could only bring ourselves to pay attention to Washington itself. But we cannot.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government
Never fight an inanimate object.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don’t need any of those things.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Manners
The principle feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. By loudly denouncing all bad things—war and hunger and date rape—liberals testify to their own terrific goodness. More important, they promote themselves to membership in a self-selecting elite of those who care deeply about such things. It’s a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don’t have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Liberalism
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Eating
There’s no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn’t invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it’s possible.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Defense, Security
Traffic is like a bad dog. It isn’t important to look both ways when crossing the street. It’s important to not show fear.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Fear
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Presidency
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Drugs
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Angels
Some people are better imagined in one’s bed than found there in the morning.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Sex
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Identity, Stupidity
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadow about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government, Democracy, Authority
People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable.
—P. J. O’Rourke
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But—like other precious, sacred things, such as the home and the family—it’s not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stonewashed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library. And—since women are a majority of the population—we’d all be married to Mel Gibson.
—P. J. O’Rourke
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Children, Funny quotes
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Responsibility
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Politicians, Politics
You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Giving, The Poor, Poverty
Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Manners
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Drugs, Ignorance
I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist’s code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don’t have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Journalism, Journalists
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
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- Bill Maher American Comedian, TV Personality
- Scott Adams American Cartoonist
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Garrison Keillor American Broadcaster, Writer
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- Gamaliel Bailey American Journalist
- Robert A. Heinlein American Science Fiction Writer
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