I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a “learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Twentieth Century
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Responsibility
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Politics
In the end we beat them with Levi 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of Communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they’re lunch, and we’re number one on the planet.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Communism, Socialism
Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about “character issues.” Either that or just go ahead and determine the presidency with three-legged races and pie-eating contests. It would make better TV.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Elections, Voting
Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Journalism
I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist’s code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don’t have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Journalism, Journalists
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Presidency
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Parents
Never fight an inanimate object.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Farm policy, although it’s complex, can be explained. What it can’t be is believed. No cheating spouse, no teen with a wrecked family car, no mayor of Washington, D.C., videotaped in flagrant has ever come up with anything as farfetched as U.S. farm policy.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Farming
Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Manners
Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don’t need any of those things.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Manners
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Golf
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Motherhood
Our democracy, our culture, our whole way of life is a spectacular triumph of the blah. Why not have a political convention without politics to nominate a leader who’s out in front of nobody? Maybe our national mindlessness is the very thing that keeps us from turning into one of those smelly European countries full of pseudo-reds and crypto-fascists and greens who dress like forest elves.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: America
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Stupidity, Identity
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Drugs, Ignorance
Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it’s not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Optimism
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Politicians, Politics
There’s no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn’t invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it’s possible.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Defense, Security
You’ll notice that the term ‘morale’ is never used except in reference to soldiers or people in analogous positions, such as employees of large corporations or prison inmates.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
—P. J. O’Rourke
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Children, Funny quotes
Traffic is like a bad dog. It isn’t important to look both ways when crossing the street. It’s important to not show fear.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Fear
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Government, One liners
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
—P. J. O’Rourke
Topics: Books, Reading
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- H. L. Mencken American Journalist, Literary Critic
- George Carlin American Comedian
- Bill Maher American Comedian, TV Host
- Scott Adams American Cartoonist
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Garrison Keillor American Broadcaster, Writer
- Russell Baker American Journalist, Humorist
- Gamaliel Bailey American Journalist
- Robert A. Heinlein American Science Fiction Writer
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