I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
—Unknown
I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.
—George H. W. Bush (1924–2018) American Republican Statesman, 41st President
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
—Laurence J. Peter (1919–90) Canadian-Born American Author
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
—Don Marquis (1878–1937) American Humorist, Journalist, Author
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
—Fred Astaire (1899–1987) American Actor, Dancer, Singer
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
—Robert Frost (1874–1963) American Poet
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
—Chauncey Depew (1834–1928) American Lawyer, Politician, Raconteur
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.
—Unknown
God’s last name is not “Dammit.”
—Unknown
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.
—Jay Leno (b.1950) American Comedian, TV Personality
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
—Marianne Williamson (b.1952) American Activist, Author, Lecturer
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
—Don Herold (1889–1966) American Humorist, Writer, Illustrator, Cartoonist
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
—Unknown
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.
—Unknown
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke (1947–2022) American Journalist, Political Satirist
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
—Chinese Proverb
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence.
—Hebrew Proverb
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
—Unknown
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”
—Bill Maher (b.1956) American Comedian, TV Host, Commentator
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
—Indian Proverb
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
—Burton Hillis (William E. Vaughan) (1915–77) American Columnist, Author
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes.
—Unknown
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
—Robert Brault
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
—Indian Proverb
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
—Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
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