I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre … a one-way round-trip ticket…. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday…. that way, you still have the weekend.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?
Topics: Life and Living
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I made wine out of raisins so I would not have to wait for it to age.
You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
No one that has drunk old wine wants new; for he says, The old is nice.
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Phyllis Diller American Actor
- Robin Williams American Actor
- Whoopi Goldberg American Comedian
- W. C. Fields American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Groucho Marx American Actor
- Bill Maher American Comedian, TV Personality
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian
- Jonathan Winters American Comedian
- Bob Newhart American Comedian