Finley Peter Dunne (1867–1936) was an American humorist and writer from Chicago. He published Mr. Dooley in Peace and War, a collection of his nationally syndicated Mr. Dooley sketches, in 1898. The fictional Mr. Dooley expounded upon political and social issues of the day from his South Side Chicago Irish pub and he spoke with the thick verbiage and accent of an Irish immigrant from County Roscommon. Dunne’s sly humor and political acumen won the support of President Theodore Roosevelt, a frequent target of Mr. Dooley’s barbs. Indeed Dunne’s sketches became so popular and such a litmus test of public opinion that they were read each week at White House cabinet meetings.
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Drink never made a man better, but it made many a man think he was better.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Alcohol
Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Vegetarianism
A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.
—Finley Peter Dunne
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better—it is just turning around as usual.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: World
A firm belief attracts facts. They come out iv’ holes in th’ ground an’ cracks in th’ wall to support belief, but they run away fr’m doubt.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Beliefs
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Fanaticism
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They’re too considerate to get married.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Husbands, Men
The past always looks better than it was; it’s only pleasant because it isn’t here.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Past, The Past
An Anglo-Saxon, Hinnissy, is a German that’s forgot who was his parents.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Britain
It don’t make much difference what you study, so long as you don’t like it.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Education
A man’s idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady’s idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Men, Women, Men & Women
Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Motivational, Motivation
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Poverty, The Poor
Don’t jump on a man unless he is down.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Conflict
An appeal… is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Justice
‘What’s fame, after all, me la-ad? ‘Tis apt to be what some wan writes on ye’er tombstone.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Fame
The last man that makes a joke owns it.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Humor
Work is hard if you’re paid to do it, and it’s pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Work
No, sir, th dimmycratic party aint on speakin terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an th other hisses Miscreent ye can bet theyre two dimmycratic leaders thryin to reunite th gran ol party.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Trust
Th’ newspaper does ivrything f’r us. It runs th’ polis foorce an’ th’ banks, commands th’ milishy, controls th’ligislachure, baptizes th’ young, marries th’ foolish, comforts th’ afflicted, afflicts th’ comfortable, buries th’ dead an’ roasts thim aftherward.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Media
Opportunity knocks at every man’s door once. On some men’s door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he’s asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Opportunity
Vice is a creature of such hideous mien… that the more you see it the better you like it.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Vice, Virtue
A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Lies, Lying, Deception/Lying
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
Vice goes a long way tow’rd makin’ life bearable. A little vice now an’ thin is relished by th’ best iv men.
—Finley Peter Dunne
Topics: Vice
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