Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Family, Parenting, Children, Funny quotes
O misery, misery, mumble and moan!
Someone invented the telephone,
And interrupted a nation’s slumbers,
Ringing wrong but similar numbers.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Technology
Your hair may be brushed, but your mind’s untidy. You’ve had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You’re sunk from a riot of relaxation.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Leisure, Rest
There are people who are very resourceful
At being remorseful,
And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends
Is to do something terrible and then make amends.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Forgiveness
I don’t mind their having a lot of money, and I don’t care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Riches, Wealth
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Conscience
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Forgiveness, Repentance
There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Marriage
How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Diet
You can take it as understood That your luck changes only if it’s good.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Luck
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Animals, Just for Fun
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Life, Life and Living
No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Grieving, Grief
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Marriage
Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord’s anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can’t get your fingers on him.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Politicians, Politics
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Aging, Age
Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here’s a typewriter, here’s a stencil, here’s a list of today’s appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures—take them, George, they’re yours!
—Ogden Nash
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Work
Nothing there but basketball, a game which won’t be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo.
—Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Birthdays
And one of his partners asked “Has he vertigo?” and the other glanced out and down and said “Oh no, only about ten feet more.”
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Suicide
A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Marriage, Husbands
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Just for Fun, Wilderness
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Integrity, Conscience, Happiness
Some tortures are physical
And some are mental,
But the one that is both
Is dental.
—Ogden Nash
He without benefit of scruples
His fun and money soon quadruples.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Morals
No man is greater than his respect for sleep.
—Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
—Ogden Nash
Topics: Marriage, Right
If some confectioners were willing
To let the shape announce the filling,
We’d encounter fewer assorted chocs,
Bitten into and returned to the box.
—Ogden Nash
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Russell Hoban American Author
- Dorothy L. Sayers English Novelist, Playwright
- Helen Gurley Brown American Publisher
- Mark Van Doren American Poet, Critic
- Wallace Stevens American Poet
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Frank O’Hara American Poet, Art Critic
- Conrad Aiken American Poet, Novelist
- Stanley Kunitz American Poet
- Henry Adams American Historian
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