In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Hollywood
Show business is not so much ‘dog eats dog’ as ‘dog doesn’t return other dog’s phone calls.’
—Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
—Woody Allen
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Philosophy
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Women
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Fame, Immortality, Accomplishment, Achievement
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
—Woody Allen
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back
—Woody Allen
Topics: Baseball
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Gold
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn’t be able to stop throwing up.
—Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Gratitude, Appreciation, Blessings, Talent
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
—Woody Allen
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Relationships
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Reality
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Reason, Thought
Paranoia is knowing all the facts.
—Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Skepticism, Doubt, Give, Money, God
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Fun
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Goodness, Sleep, Vice
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Science, Space
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Time
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Confidence
I am at two with nature.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Nature
The people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can’t.
—Woody Allen
You’ll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Age
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Sex
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Humankind, Sex
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Parents
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Intelligence, Intellectuals
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
—Woody Allen
Topics: Love
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Carl Reiner American Comedian
- Mel Brooks American Film Actor
- Harvey Fierstein American Actor
- Steven Spielberg American Film Director
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Sylvester Stallone American Actor
- Bette Midler American Actress, Singer
- Kirk Douglas American Actor
- Charlie Chaplin British Actor
- Danny Kaye American Actor
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