I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
Due to budgetary restraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize if this inconveniences you in any way.
—Anonymous
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
—Ambrose Bierce (1842–1913) American Short-story Writer, Journalist
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
—Unknown
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright (b.1955) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
—Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882–1945) American Head of State, Lawyer
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
Your talk was simply superfluous. It should be published posthumously. And the sooner the better.
—Anonymous
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
—Franklin P. Jones
It’s true that everything that could be said has been said.
It’s also true that no one was listening.
Therefore, I’ll say again…
—Indian Proverb
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
—Quintilian (c.35–c.100 CE) Roman Rhetorician, Literary Critic
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
—Anonymous
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
—Anonymous
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII—and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure.
—Douglas Adams (1952–2001) English Novelist, Scriptwriter
The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea.
—Mortimer J. Adler (1902–2001) American Philosopher, Educator
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, its just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
—Jean Kerr (1922–2003) Irish-American Author, Playwright
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
—George Will (b.1941) American Columnist, Author, Commentator
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
—Phyllis Diller (b.1917) American Actor, Comedian
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
—Adlai Stevenson (1900–65) American Diplomat, Politician, Orator
Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
—Zig Ziglar (1926–2012) American Author
I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
—Hesiod (f.700 BCE) Greek Poet
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
—Chinese Proverb
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
—H. G. Wells (1866–1946) English Novelist, Historian, Social Thinker
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.
—A. A. Milne (1882–1956) British Humorist, Playwright, Children’s Writer
Whether it is fun to go to bed with a good book depends a great deal on who’s reading it.
—Kenneth Patchen (1911–1972) American Poet, Novelist
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
—Sandra Boynton (b.1953) American Humorist
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
—Anonymous
Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
—William Jennings Bryan (1860–1925) American Political Leader, Diplomat, Politician
Two goats are eating cans of film on the back lots of MGM Studios. One goat turns to the other and says, “This film is good.” To which the other goat responds, “Not as good as the movie.”
—Unknown
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