When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
—Don Marquis (1878–1937) American Humorist, Journalist, Author
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
—Indian Proverb
Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes
—Unknown
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
—Yiddish Proverb
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
—Robert Frost (1874–1963) American Poet
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.
—Jay Leno (b.1950) American Comedian, TV Personality
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
—Chauncey Depew (1834–1928) American Lawyer, Politician, Raconteur
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
—Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
—Laurence J. Peter (1919–90) Canadian-Born American Author
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
—Robert Brault
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
—Unknown
A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.
—Unknown
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.
—Unknown
When good Americans die they go to Paris.
—Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish Poet, Playwright
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”
—Bill Maher (b.1956) American Comedian, TV Host, Commentator
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
—Unknown
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
—Burton Hillis (William E. Vaughan) (1915–77) American Columnist, Author
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
—Indian Proverb
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
—Unknown
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.
—Ellery Queen (1929–71) American Writers of Crime Fiction
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
—Andy Rooney (b.1919) American Writer, Humorist, TV Personality
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’.
—Sam Ewing (1949–2018) American Writer, Humorist
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke (1947–2022) American Journalist, Political Satirist
I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them
—George H. W. Bush (1924–2018) American Republican Statesman, 41st President
God’s last name is not “Dammit.”
—Unknown
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
—Fred Astaire (1899–1987) American Actor, Dancer, Singer
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