I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Confidence
I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Insults
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Aging, Age
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books, Reading
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People
My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Children
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Honesty
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Food
A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Confidence
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Poverty, The Poor
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Intelligence, The Military
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Poverty, The Poor
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Faces, Face
Humor is reason gone mad.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Humor
I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Golf
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Trouble, Politics
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Books, Dogs
No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Unhappiness
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Sex
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Wife
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Birth
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Fun
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Jokes, Humor
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: People
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Wives, Marriage
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
—Groucho Marx
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Envy, Defects
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Cooking
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women.
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Leadership
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
—Groucho Marx
Topics: Eyes
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Fred Astaire American Dancer, Singer
- W. C. Fields American Comedian
- Danny Kaye American Actor, Comedian
- Whoopi Goldberg American Comedian
- Phyllis Diller American Actor
- Steven Wright American Comedian
- Bette Midler American Actress, Singer
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Mel Brooks American Film Actor
- Robin Williams American Actor, Comedian
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