William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, (1880–1946) was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children.
Source: Wikipedia (via CC-BY-SA license) • READ: Works by W. C. Fields
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
A woman drove me to drink, and I’ll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Voting, Elections
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Horses
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Prejudice, Hate
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Morality
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Worry
It was a woman that drove me to drink, but unfortunately I never had the chance to thank her.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol
Any man who hates children can’t be all bad.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Children
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Value
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Gambling
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcohol, Alcoholism
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Funny quotes, Alcohol, Belief
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Money, Wealth, Just for Fun, Poverty
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
—W. C. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: World
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Bible
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
—W. C. Fields
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Justice
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Life and Living
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Women
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Health
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that is the one thing I am indebted to her for.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Wine
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: Alcoholism, Alcohol
If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
—W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
—W. C. Fields
Topics: City Life, Cities
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—W. C. Fields
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