I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright (b.1955) American Comedian, Actor, Writer
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I’ll never see a tree at all.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
—Sandra Boynton (b.1953) American Humorist
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
—Tom Wilson (1931–2011) American Cartoonist
Due to budgetary restraints the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize if this inconveniences you in any way.
—Anonymous
A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
—Adlai Stevenson (1900–65) American Diplomat, Politician, Orator
The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea.
—Mortimer J. Adler (1902–2001) American Philosopher, Educator
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
—Anonymous
Your talk was simply superfluous. It should be published posthumously. And the sooner the better.
—Anonymous
We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.
—Anonymous
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
—Willie Nelson (b.1933) American Country Singer, Songwriter
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
—Anonymous
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
—H. G. Wells (1866–1946) English Novelist, Historian, Social Thinker
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
—Quintilian (c.35–c.100 CE) Roman Rhetorician, Literary Critic
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.
—A. A. Milne (1882–1956) British Humorist, Playwright, Children’s Writer
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
—George Will (b.1941) American Columnist, Journalist, Writer
Two goats are eating cans of film on the back lots of MGM Studios. One goat turns to the other and says, “This film is good.” To which the other goat responds, “Not as good as the movie.”
—Unknown
It’s true that everything that could be said has been said.
It’s also true that no one was listening.
Therefore, I’ll say again…
—Indian Proverb
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
—Anonymous
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
—Chinese Proverb
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Actor, Comedian, Writer
I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
—Hesiod (f.700 BCE) Greek Poet
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
—Ambrose Bierce (1842–1913) American Short-story Writer, Journalist
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
—Phyllis Diller (b.1917) American Actor, Comedian
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.
—Anonymous
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse