A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
—Adlai Stevenson (1900–65) American Diplomat, Politician, Orator
I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint.
—Hesiod (f.700 BCE) Greek Poet
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
—H. G. Wells (1866–1946) English Novelist, Historian, Social Thinker
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
—G. K. Chesterton (1874–1936) English Journalist, Novelist, Essayist, Poet
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
—Sandra Boynton (b.1953) American Humorist
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
—George Will (b.1941) American Columnist, Journalist, Writer
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
—Zig Ziglar (1926–2012) American Author
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, its just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
—Jean Kerr (1922–2003) Irish-American Author, Playwright
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
—Ambrose Bierce (1842–1913) American Short-story Writer, Journalist
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
Your talk was simply superfluous. It should be published posthumously. And the sooner the better.
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII—and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure.
—Douglas Adams (1952–2001) English Novelist, Scriptwriter
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified
to do anything
Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.
—William Jennings Bryan (1860–1925) American Political leader, Diplomat, Politician
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
—Willie Nelson (b.1933) American Country Singer, Songwriter
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
—Quintilian (c.35–c.100 CE) Roman Rhetorician, Literary Critic
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
—Phyllis Diller (b.1917) American Actor, Comedian
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
The telephone book is full of facts, but it doesn’t contain a single idea.
—Mortimer J. Adler (1902–2001) American Philosopher, Educator
Denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.
—Logan Pearsall Smith (1865–1946) American-British Essayist, Bibliophile
Two goats are eating cans of film on the back lots of MGM Studios. One goat turns to the other and says, “This film is good.” To which the other goat responds, “Not as good as the movie.”
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist