I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Topics: Old Age
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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- Steven Wright American Comedian
- Robin Williams American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Bill Maher American Comedian, TV Personality
- Groucho Marx American Actor
- W. C. Fields American Actor
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian
- Jonathan Winters American Comedian
- Jenny McCarthy American Actor