Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Humor
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Old Age
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Fresh
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
—Phyllis Diller
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Pregnancy
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Anger
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Fighting, Anger
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Children, Snow, Housework
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Children, Just for Fun
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Golf
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Smiles, One liners, Now, Smile
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Christmas
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Marriage
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Children
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Parents
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
—Phyllis Diller
Topics: Words
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Whoopi Goldberg American Comedian
- Steven Wright American Comedian
- Robin Williams American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Bill Maher American Comedian, TV Personality
- Groucho Marx American Actor
- W. C. Fields American Actor
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian
- Jonathan Winters American Comedian
- Jenny McCarthy American Actor
Leave a Reply