The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.
—George W. Bush (b.1946) American Head of State, Businessperson
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
—Robert Brault
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Actor, Comedian, Writer
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
When good Americans die they go to Paris.
—Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish Poet, Playwright
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
—Andy Rooney (b.1919) American Writer, Humorist, TV Personality
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
—Indian Proverb
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
—Chauncey Depew (1834–1928) American Lawyer, Politician, Raconteur
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.
—Unknown
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
—Unknown
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
—Indian Proverb
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
—Chinese Proverb
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
—Yiddish Proverb
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke (1947–2022) American Journalist, Political Satirist
God’s last name is not “Dammit.”
—Unknown
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence.
—Hebrew Proverb
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
—Fred Astaire (1899–1987) American Actor, Dancer, Singer
Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes
—Unknown
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
—Marianne Williamson (b.1952) American Activist, Author, Lecturer
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
—Robert Frost (1874–1963) American Poet
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
—Indian Proverb
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
—Burton Hillis (William E. Vaughan) (1915–77) American Columnist, Author
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’.
—Sam Ewing (b.1949) American Sportsperson
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
—Laurence J. Peter (1919–90) Canadian-born American Educator, Author
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.
—Ellery Queen (1929–71) American Writers of Crime Fiction
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
—Unknown
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
—Don Marquis (1878–1937) American Humorist, Journalist, Author
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