Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
—Laurence J. Peter (1919–90) Canadian-born American Educator, Author
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.
—Ellery Queen (1929–71) American Writers of Crime Fiction
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
—Marianne Williamson (b.1952) American Activist, Author, Lecturer
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”
—Bill Maher (b.1956) American Comedian, TV Personality, Social Critic, Author, Actor
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
—Chauncey Depew (1834–1928) American Lawyer, Politician, Raconteur
A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
—Burton Hillis (William E. Vaughan) (1915–77) American Columnist, Author
God’s last name is not “Dammit.”
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke (1947–2022) American Journalist, Political Satirist
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.
When good Americans die they go to Paris.
—Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish Poet, Playwright
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them
—George H. W. Bush (1924–2018) American Republican Statesman, 41st President
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.
—Jay Leno (b.1950) American Comedian, TV Personality
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence.
Babies are such a nice way to start people
—Don Herold (1889–1966) American Humorist, Writer, Illustrator, Cartoonist
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
—Don Marquis (1878–1937) American Humorist, Journalist, Author
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
—Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American Comedian, TV Personality, Actor
Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Actor, Comedian, Writer