One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Children always know when company is in the living room – they can hear their mother laughing at their father’s jokes
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
—Fred Astaire (1899–1987) American Actor, Dancer, Singer
A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977) American Actor, Comedian, Singer
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.
—Ellery Queen (1929–71) American Writers of Crime Fiction
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
—P. J. O’Rourke (1947–2022) American Journalist, Political Satirist
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
—Andy Rooney (b.1919) American Writer, Humorist, TV Personality
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
—Burton Hillis (William E. Vaughan) (1915–77) American Columnist, Author
I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them
—George H. W. Bush (1924–2018) American Republican Statesman, 41st President
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
—Robert Frost (1874–1963) American Poet
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”
—Bill Maher (b.1956) American Comedian, TV Personality, Social Critic, Author, Actor
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.
—Ogden Nash (1902–71) American Writer of Sophisticated Light Verse
The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.
—George W. Bush (b.1946) American Head of State, Businessperson
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
—W. C. Fields (1880–1946) American Actor, Comedian, Writer
When good Americans die they go to Paris.
—Oscar Wilde (1854–1900) Irish Poet, Playwright
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser – in case you thought optimism was dead.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
—Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American Comedian, TV Personality, Actor
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
—Marianne Williamson (b.1952) American Activist, Author, Lecturer
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him whose?
—Don Marquis (1878–1937) American Humorist, Journalist, Author
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
—Laurence J. Peter (1919–90) Canadian-born American Educator, Author
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
—Chauncey Depew (1834–1928) American Lawyer, Politician, Raconteur
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
—George Burns (1896–1996) American Comedian
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
—Lily Tomlin (b.1939) American Comedy Actress
God’s last name is not “Dammit.”
Babies are such a nice way to start people
—Don Herold (1889–1966) American Humorist, Writer, Illustrator, Cartoonist
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
—Mark Twain (1835–1910) American Humorist
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.
—Jay Leno (b.1950) American Comedian, TV Personality
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part’.
—Sam Ewing (b.1949) American Sportsperson