I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Bob Hope British-born American Comedian, Film Actor
- Vincent Price American Actor
- Tim Robbins American Actor, Director
- Milton Berle American Entertainer
- Fred Astaire American Dancer, Singer
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Edward Everett Horton American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Frank Sinatra American Singer
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian