Henry “Henny” Youngman (1906–98) was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the “one-liner”; his best known one-liner being “Take my wife… please”.
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I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Wives, Marriage
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Drinking, Alcohol
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Holidays
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Secrets, Marriage
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Shopping
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Money
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.
—Henny Youngman
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Diet, Weight
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
—Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
—Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Health
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Love
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Sleeping, Morning, Regret
What is a home without children?. Quiet.
—Henny Youngman
Topics: Children, One liners
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