I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Bob Hope British-born American Comedian, Film Actor
- Vincent Price American Actor
- Tim Robbins American Actor, Director
- Milton Berle American Entertainer
- Fred Astaire American Dancer, Singer
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Edward Everett Horton American Actor
- Joan Rivers American Entertainer
- Frank Sinatra American Singer
- Buddy Hackett American Comedian