Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
The paradox of our time in history is that:
we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
we spend more, but have less;
we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time;
wee have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions,
but reduces our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, hate too often.
We learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We’ve added years to life, but not life to years.
W’ve been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space;
we’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
we’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice;
we have higher incomes, but lower morals;
we’ve become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men, and short character;
steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace
but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun;
more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is a time when there is much in the show window
and nothing in the stockroom;
a time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose
either to make a difference—
or just hit delete.
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
Religion is just mind control
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Regarding the Boy Scouts, I’m very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It’s certainly worth a try. I’m convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
Wondering Whom to Read Next?
- Tim Robbins American Actor, Director
- Eddie Murphy American Actor
- Sidney Poitier American Actor, Film Director
- Will Rogers American Humorist, Actor
- Adam Sandler American Actor
- Milton Berle American Entertainer
- Sid Caesar American Comedian
- Dick Gregory American Comedian, Activist
- Vincent Price American Actor
- George Burns American Comedian